Pure heavenly magnet

There are many things that have happened since my last entry. Some big, some small, and all of them have been as the potters hands and shaped me yet again.

Last night my husband and I watched the IHOP Awakening there was a testimony about a young man asking for people to come to know God on his birthday, well the awakening broke out two days before his birthday yet he was righteously dissatisfied with what he got, people were being woken up but people were not necessarily being saved. So he went home and to make a long story short he went to get ice cream at Walgreen’s and 4 people came to know the lord and then were laid out by the power of the holy spirit. This young man praying for these people was just like me! He had history, he makes mistakes, he doesn’t do everything right. But I realized last night that he had something I didn’t. He has the understanding that he doesn’t have to do anything but be an open vessel and love the lord. I have to press in to encounter the love of Jesus for me to know that I don’t have to do anything but allow him to work in me and through me. A constant willingness and boldness is what I crave for my life. I don’t want to think twice, I barely want to think at all when I open my mouth to share about the living God that loves so dearly his beloved bride.

As I cried out for there to be a renewal of the spirit here on Northern’s campus I realized that I was also crying out for a renewal or more accurately an awakening to the Love of the Father in my own heart. I didn’t ever realize before but if we only read the bible we are missing out on the depths of relationship that our hearts cry out for, reading the bible is like reading the love letter your dad wrote you and having him sit in the same room with you but you never engage with him. It is good and pure and the written word and it truly is the breath of God, but if thats all you do is sit and skim over the word everyday and you don’t actively seek the presence of God you miss out on the depths of his love. I want the depths….as deep calls out to deep……my soul cries out for his presence.

I have realized for so long that I am afraid to get into the presence of God because I am afraid of what he will really think or say about me but his love never changes and neither does what he says about me. I have to remember that he never ment for me to fall the way I do, so I have to let him make it right and know that he knows, and realize that the sin I commit does not cancel out any of the holy spirit in me….greater is he who is in me, than he who is in the world.

I am calling out for the lover of my soul, the lover of the deepest part of me, my savior…..my friend. I pray God that you would pour out your love and give me and everyone else an encounter with your love for us. We truly need to know who our Father is and know where we come from…what we are made of.  I long to be with you.

I don’t need my job my job needs me!

Have you ever watched those documentary’s where we humans are view as some science project? You see people scurrying on a busy sidewalk in their business suits and designer clothes, and those in hospital scrubs and messenger carriers with headphones and bike shorts on. Do you ever get that those are real people? I mean when I look at that stuff I am totally disconnected to the fact that those are real people who have real emotions and feelings, and that they all have life and family, and jobs. It doesn’t really ever hit me. But today God finally gave me a different perspective. He let me see out of the narrow spectrum. For such a long time I have viewed my job as the thing I am dependent on because it is the place I go to work so that I can get money to pay bills and do things. I scurry around like a mouse searching for cheese.  All I want is a nibble, I mean really I just want some sense of purpose instead of anxiously chomping at the mere aroma of cheddar or mozzarella.  How dumb is that?! Most of you are thinking…its not dumb its reality…right?! Well usually I would agree but God has a significantly different view on jobs. You see our God is the God who created everything. Now really, I want you to stop and try to think about something that wasn’t created by God?! If he is the God who created everything and moves everything and can do ANYTHING….and I am his daughter THAN WHY IN THE WORLD DO I LIVE LIKE I AM HELPLESS AND TRAPPED and that I have to work for stuff?!?!?!?!!?  He is my freaking DAD!!!! He didn’t give me a job because I needed it to survive in this world he gave me a job so that I had something to do while he provided all of the things I needed and even some of the things I want. God is so deep!

He showed me through so many things that my  job is not only to cultivate and teach me but it’s to be around other people so they can see who my dad is. So they can look and say hey can I have what you have?!!? Of course you can!  For once I saw my job not as a little box that I am chained to, or a science project where I am observed and tormented by the overwhelming promise of cheese, but then never getting even a nibble. I have a job so that I am forced out of my house, so that I interact with people. I have a job because if I didn’t have one I would sit in the Palace of my God and king and would bask in the glory that he says is for me because I am his daughter. Well lets face it that is what I would like to say I would do but to be honest I would get lazy. God doesn’t want lazy kids, lazy kids don’t get Gods heart, neither do the scared ones. God’s heart if you see it…..if you ever seek it out enough to see it….it is beautiful. It is so deep. You can’t even fathom its depths just like eternity. And when you see or when you get to see a glimpse of God’s heart it drives you. It becomes the sole force propelling you to do anything. It’s not sacrifice its passion! So many brothers and sisters sit thinking they are not entitled to this passion because it is God, and that they can’t go to him and ask for something like that…but that is a lie and you fall into the trap of false humility aka pride!  And it eats away at our very being It makes us cowards and bitter. He clothed us in rags so that we may be able to reach other people. And as we are dressed in rags we do not take on the identity of those around us, we are not defined by our rags but what is in our hearts and who our heritage comes from. We are dressed in rags to disguise ourselves amidst the brokenness. But joy comes in the morning because I know I am one day closer to being home…..my home, my place of refuge, my resting place is the Kingdom of God. I can’t wait to be with him, but for now I will live life the way he shows me to live it…..free. I am not caged, I am not chained but I have been sent out from the palace to show those in the mud how to live like kings and queens, and to share the wealth of the knowledge and love of God.

I am free. I am choosen….I am commisioned…..I have a purpose…..a mighty noble purpose……I am free.

Looking through tears…

As I stood in silence with a faded voice in the distance I noticed an energy coming from within me. I got up and looked around, it was dark and there were lights reflecting from the outside through the amber glass windows. It was raining outside and the water moved and danced and tossed its partner, light, through the air and into graceful movements of sways and bows. The reflection of light off the water and through the glass warmed my heart, and captivated my spirit. I started to cry as its beauty mesmerizing my eyes, my heart filling with joy and a wonder so much greater than I could ever describe. God did this, my heart whispered, he did this just for me, to show me the glory and beauty of his kingdom. I know heaven will be so much greater but there are moments and memories that I gather here that make this place so beautiful in its simplicity and depth. I love this place, and I love heaven more. As tears continued to fill my eyes I saw a beautiful fusion of tears, light, reflections and God. I thought for a moment I wonder when I look through my tears if I am not seeing bits of heaven. The light dispersed through the lense of tears covering my eyes I see things differently, light looks softer and as if someone took a paintbrush and softly pulled the light further out from its source. At the same time the light is dancing off the water moving outside from the rain drops falling ever so gently. God is with us, his beauty is all around us. The tears in my eyes ever so beautiful and fully of wonder and awe I wondered again is this a bit of heaven, will I be able to see everything through this soft golden lense, will I be able to see my father this way? I wonder if this is what Jesus saw as he looked to heaven? A hope in my heart swells as I realized the depth and simplicity of my moment with the ever-living God. He met me as I was walking out the door, about to run some late night errands for a friend. He captured me and showed me himself. He is so deep. He is so loving. He emptied me, because I asked him to, and then he filled me up, because he knew I wanted him to. I love God and I love loving him.

T-bones steaks and things to do…

There are so often things that I don’t understand. In the past few days I have been rocked beyond belief, and given so much hope for my future and so much peace for where I am at in life. Whether it be about jobs, babies, homes, God, or life in general I am at peace. However, amidst this still calm water there is something God wants to purge from this soul. Just recently my husband and I had a conversation that, to say the least, was not to my liking. I mean I so loved the sharing aspect of the conversation not so much what was being shared I guess.  As the words trickled out of my husband’s mouth and into my ear something jerked inside of me and before I could even blink my eyes there was a target on him. Now I am not talking about a physical target but a spiritual target, I had my sights on him and I wanted to light him up. See one of the things I learned growing up is that you don’t get mad you get even. In this case I wanted to get over-even and retaliate with words that were of equal or possibly even greater value and sting to my husband. Each day that I am married I find I know less and less than what I thought I knew. I mean what happens when you find out that the one person that you love with all of your heart, soul, and mind…the one that you were joined together with to become one flesh and one body, is also the one that you have to protect……..from yourself? You see I appreciate and I love when my husband tells me things from his heart but when it puts me in a place that makes me look any less than perfect my defenses go up, and they don’t just stop there. After my defenses go up my  inner army begins to rally and I strategize my retaliation. At this point I have to make a choice…do I give the go ahead to my troops or do I stand back and humble myself and allow my less that perfect reflection to be refined by a burning fire. I have to make a choice.

This is the point in my life where I feel like I have lacked the most discipline. I admit it friends, I am a chronic self preserver and really don’t like the painful process it takes to cut off this bad habit. However today was different. If nothing more it was the day I refused to send my troops in retaliation. It was the day that I stopped and realized that maybe he could be right and maybe this is just the pain I need to go through to realize a greater truth. If I seek God out in this pain then He (God) will prove faithful to refine me and to show me where I can do better.

I choose NOT to retaliate against my husband because I love him, because I respect him, because I love his heart and I love hearing about it….even it is at my own expense! I want to know without a doubt that when an outside enemy comes to attack me he will be my ally, he will be my back up! We were made to stand side by side in this war we fight….not against one another. I think about the kingdom of heaven and how frustrated God must be sometimes with us down here. We have such a hard time not fighting with one another we forget who the real enemy is. We think about ourselves too much and we don’t trust the people or person who would die for us with out a question.

God put me with my husband, my husband chose me over any other woman, I am both blessed and honored to be called his wife. I love him because I choose to believe in him and his heart.

I got shot in the eye with a tomato and learned something deep.

K so to summarize (I know it’s a shocker) I was sifting through the many grape tomato that I have in my kitchen from my garden. I was looking through them to see which ones were red and I found a molded one. I pulled it out so that it wouldn’t mold the other tomatoes. As I grabbed it, I grabbed it too tightly and it ended up shooting me the eye. Now I will admit I tried to shoot my husband in the face with the tomato but it backfired…as usual. So to summarize when you find a moldy bad sin don’t try to squeeze it yourself. Just hand it over to the big man and he will dispose of your unsightly rottenness.

Job…new insight, or maybe not.

So as I was talking with a dear friend tonight  and something came out of me that I never knew I knew… We were talking about a previous converstaion I had with a friend earlier and I likened the situation to Job. And I recal so many times in my life that when I thought that my life couldn’t get any worse…I pictured myself like Job. I mean he was so torn up and so physically messed up after everything that had happend to him. And we look at it from our perspective and we say man what did he do to deserve that, and we liken ourselves to him at his worst when we want to pitty ourselves….but….what if, just what if God allowed all of that to happen to him because God had SO MUCH faith in Job that through all of that he knew that Job was still going to give God all the glory. It sounds simple and that is exactly what the scripture tells us but it hit me differently tonight. When we go through trials of any kind it is not God getting mad at us, punishing us or anything like that but it is God saying I have so much faith in you that you will come out of this and still say that I am God.

Momma I’m so proud to be like you…

This could be one of the hardest topics of my life so far. My mom, for so many years was someone I couldn’t figure out, nor could I figure out my feelings about her. I knew I was told I had to honor her but how do you honor someone you don’t know if you respect? How you do you respect someone that is making poor decisions that are inevitably effecting your life? Well I have struggled with this for a long time and just recently God showed me how.

A few months ago I really started asking myself and God what is going to happen to my family. Will I see them for the rest of eternity or is it just for a few more years. I know about my sister and my Grammy but I don’t know how real everyone else relationship is. I mean I know they have some what of a relationship but I just wonder about them…..you know? I wanted to know what was/is going to happen to my family. My parents, all 3, being big on my heart  at the time I started asking God questions about their hearts and he showed me some things…and those things I could only contend for in prayer. It was so frustrating not approaching them and asking the questions I had. But God told me that even if I did asked them they couldn’t tell me why, or how. So I trusted that God knew best and just prayed for them and their hearts.

The hardest part for me is knowing that they all know about Jesus and what he did but they are believing so many other lies that he looks completely different through their distorted glasses. One feels abandoned, one doesn’t think they really need Jesus and the other is so scared to say yes…all of these based on lies and so they see Jesus this way. It breaks my heart and I just want to run into their houses and yell at the top of my lungs….JESUS LOVED YOU FIRST HE STILL LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO KNOW YOU SO BAD…..and when I am yelling it at the top of my lungs right in front of them….they get it…and they love him back and it is beautiful. They don’t know what they are missing, they don’t know what is ready and waiting for them if they just say yes, if they just realized they need him…if they just realized that God never left them. They don’t know who they are.

God has graciously answered my question… why do my parents act the way they act and do the silly things that they swore they would beat us kids for doing?  He said,”Because they don’t know who they are to me. Your parents are my kids too and they just don’t know that I am their father and they are my beloved.” I want to tell them who they are…….but even if I did I think they would call me crazy and talk their way out of the biggest life changing descision of their life.

However I know that God has chosen them, he loves my family and wants them to know him and his heart for them. If you are reading this and you are my family I hope you got that…..God loves you more than you could ever know.

Along with these deep moans in my spirit for my family to know the living God I know he has also taught me about who I am and my inheritance from them. Mainly between my mom and I. The other night he showed me something to revolutionary to my spirit that I just burst open with love for my momma. God showed me that the many years I swore that I would never be like my mom I was also saying that I didn’t want anything that my mom had to offer. That meant my inheritance as well. About two months ago now I went to bring something to my mom’s storage unit and while I was moving stuff around I noticed a stack of books all nicely piled on one of the many bookshelves we have. Container gardening, gardening in northern Michigan, affordable homes, herbs vitamins and minerals, closet organization, and floral arrangements for all occasions. Now if any of you know my many endeavors this passed summer you would know that I either looked into or actually did some of those things. My first thought after looking at that single stack of books was WHERE THE CRAP IS MY MOM!!! By the time I drove myself home God had showed me that my inheritance is not just spiritual but practical everyday inheritances as well. And that those gifts serve a purpose. God has began to unfold in my life that all of those things are going to be a big part of my life and that they will be bring much fulfillment to my life. I truly believe that my mom gave those gifts to me without ever even knowing it. She gave my sister and my brother very similar gifts. I mean these were the gifts that were there for us to choose what to take for ourselves. It was jaw dropping for me to see that for so many years of my life I could have been learning straight from the teacher and now I can’t because we are so far apart.

God told me the other night…”Johanna when you said you didn’t want to be like your mom, you meant it, but that ment I couldn’t bless you with the gifts she gave you.”  He then said, “I gave you those things in common with her so you could bond with each other and have things in common….but you were created in my image.” I was stunned, my heart opened like a flood gate and I realized how much I put my mom through. I spent so many years saying I didn’t want to be like her because of lies I believed and because of where I was in life. I was confused and messed up inside and the only person I could blame was her because of the decisions saw her making. Yeah she made poor decisions, but so did I. Yeah she believes a lie, but so did I.  The enemy used my hurt to judge my mom for what she was hurting for.

I am so grateful for my  mom and, I can even say, some of her mistakes. I sure learned a lot and saw parts of my moms heart that to this day no one knows about. She is a caring, loving beautiful woman. She has so much passion and  justice written all over her heart for the broken and the hurt. She is determined and protects her own to the end. She is lovely and God sees her and says she is good. No matter what she has done or hasn’t done she is still his daughter….she is still his treasure….she is still his priceless one. I love my mom and I am proud to be of her and walk in her shadow.

Mom if you ever read this it’s all true, I love you so much and I am so proud to be your daughter. Your heart is so beautiful…thank you for all of the gifts you gave me. Thank you for opportunities of wisdom  and perservierence, for love and support, for guidance and structure, for cleaning up my messes and teaching me how to take care of a family, for teaching me hospitality and kindness to everyone I meet, Thank you mom for your passion and drive to carry on…thank you…..thank you.

You are a saint…you just don’t know it yet.

Jesus….the nerd you feel sorry for…

So I realize that the title to this blog is slightly offensive. In fact typing it and leaving it was a bit of a challenge for me. However I think that statement is true for many people.  I feel like so many people have forgotten or just don’t know who God really is or who his son is. I am learning a lot about God’s heart and how much he really loves. And tonight I heard him say “they see me as a nerd and they feel sorry for me”. So many times I have seen people go after God because of what he can do for them, not what they can do for him. It is funny how we have that mindset. I mean he already gave us a ticket out of hell when we believe and accept his son and what he did on the cross. Then most of us get ticked when we think he left us or we say that God abandoned us. But what really happens?? What really happens when people feel like they are lost and God is no where to be found. Sometimes its just because they think God is supposed to be working for them ….and not the other way around. So we get mad when he doesn’t give us the winning lotto numbers, or let us have the job we want or the car, or house……or life!!!!   When we say yes to Christ in a sense we become slaves…but even in the scriptures it says no longer do I call you slaves, but I call you friends. So what what happened…that means we got something free (our ticket into heaven)…then instead of being slaves which is what really should have happened we were called friends…and then something even more crazy is that he calls us sons and daughters!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!! So how do we go from being scum of the earth slaves and needing a ticket out of hell to being called a son or daughter of God?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

easy……………………………………..we needed help…………..he loves us …………he helped.

Simple enough for you? I hope so.

He did it because we need him not because he wanted to do us a favor so that he could be accepted. He let his son die so that you and I could have an opportunity to spend the rest of time with a loving and caring and ever joyful God….not a nerdy science kid that looks lonely. Get your perspective straight peeps. Jesus died to give you something you didn’t deserve, not something your entitled to just because you breath.

I know this was a bit blunt and maybe even borderline radical christian like of me to say these things. However, I really believe that people don’t really have an accurate perspective on who God really is. I mean HE created the universe and everything in it. He created the person who had the thought (That God created) to make the very shirt that you are wearing!!! He made it all!!!! So why do we look at him the way we do. Why do we put ourselves above God. Do we not understand????? ….I know I don’t really understand. But I really really want to. I really want to know who God is and know who I am in relation to him. If he is a king and I am his daughter…then I am a princess if I am so…then how do I act towards a king? How do I speak…how does his character affect mine…and knowing that I am dwelling in his palace how does that afftect me and the way I live my life?….I want to know

A video camera and red tea

So I got a nugget the other day from God. He actually started the nugget with my co-worker and shift supervisor Megan B. Now Megan has just been promoted not too long ago and when I found out about it I was not happy. I was more feeling like something was wrong with me, like I wasn’t promot-able or that I would never climb the next stair. Well I was called out by God when he said why are you seeking affirmation in your work place? I was stunned and didn’t realize that even my reasoning for not wanting to talk to my boss about it was even seeking affirmation in work. God gently showed me that my affirmation about who I am needs to be from him and only him, because this world doesn’t reflect who I am or who I will become.

So as I talked with my new found shift supervisor (who is by the way doing a wonderful job and making great progress), she told me how she coops with our daily stresses and frustrations…..”It’s not personal, it’s just business.”  I realized at that point that sentence did not compute. I don’t know what it’s means to be business like….everything is personal! At least that’s what I thought. Not only did this reveal an incorrect thought process it also showed me the millions of walls I have put up to protect myself. I mean think about it…if everything is personal…then essentially I am always being attacked. So I form my thoughts about who I am and how I should be through my worldly glasses of misinterpretation. I have believed lies about myself for too long and have stated that I am things that I am not, and have refused to state things about myself that are true, or that will be true.

While driving home from work today I figured out that life is not about me. It’s not personal it’s just business. I heard God tell me that in this life telling people about him and what he did for me is not about me at all. Yes it severely effected and changed my life. However, it’s about him. I knew that when I heard that in my heart that for most of my walk with God I have thought it was about me, and how I always had to be on my best behavior around other people. Especially those who don’t believe. But it’s about him and what he did. It’s in a way like a new pair of shoes. If you bought the best pair of shoes and everything about them was aweosme…the style, price, comfort, the fit…if it was all more than you wanted wouldn’t you want to tell people about those shoes. With passion and conviction in your words, wouldnt you want everyone around you to have those same pair of shoes!!! Not because you want everyone to look like you, but because you want them to have the comfort, financial blessing and pain free lifestyle  I now walk in everyday! You would tell people about those shoes….right? It’s not about the person who wears the shoe but it’s about the shoe. It’s not about me it’s about Jesus.  It’s not about how I walk in the shoes…it’s about how he lived. It’s not about the price….it’s about what he did. It’s not about how you make them look ….it’s about how they make you look and feel. It’s not about us its about Jesus! He died for everyone, not just for me. So I can’t be selfish I gotta tell people…Jesus loves you. He doesn’t love you because of how you make him look good….or how you justify what he did…because you can’t. He did it for us….for me………………..for you. It’s nothing personal, it’s just business.

(Luk 2:49)  And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist (consider) ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?

I have come to find out that with Jesus along side of me I love learning about who I am and I like myself more and more each day. I am finding that I have more capability to do things I never thought I could do. I learned the power of declaration over my life and choose to take what God has freely given me.

On picking zits…(just wait it gets weirder)

So today started off with a jolt of pressure, expectations and feelings of not being able to say what I wanted and needed…it was all in me and stopped me from living. In my heart I was experiencing a violent attack on everything I have been shown and everything I have been experiencing. I know Gods love and even more I have come to know his presence and delight myself in it as my daily treasures and bread. But this morning was different. It was painful, scary, full of pressure and conflict. I can’t really define the exact situation and conversation that took place but I just know that in my heart those were my feelings. I wanted to get out….but I didn’t feel I could.

I wanted to not go to church, but instead I went. I painted with Erin and in turn there was a beautiful piece that came out of worship and what was spoken today. I loved it all…it was life to me. And through all of my emotions I found still water that calmed my soul. I didn’t want it to end but I knew that it was going to and when it did I would have to start making decisions again and deal with my emotions. I can only suspend the inevitable for so long. So church then ended and I quickly felt the rush of my drowning emotions flood over me. I was trapped again. I hate that!!!! I don’t want these feelings anymore…

So why do I keep them, none of these feelings were promised to me by God. He never said I have plans to make you feel trapped and pressured. He said I have plans to prosper and keep you from harm, a future and a hope. So why do I feel so hopeless with these mole hills that look like mountains right now.

Well this is where it gets weird…I was laying on the couch trying to repent and make amends and I started picking my zits on my arms. Now I am not talking big noticeable zits that look like are going to shoot you in the eye, I mean the tiniest ones that you would never see. But I was searching for them, I was meticulously grazing over my skin looking for the slightest bump or white dot beneath my epidermis. I was looking for them… as I continued to think and ponder about my desire to push people away and distance myself because of these unspoken notions of pressure and expectations I realized something…

I was soaking in the spirit of criticism! I was disgusted with myself looking at the painful red bumps that had just been exposed for even the smallest amount of filth they contained. What have I been doing?!?!!? I have picked my zits on my face, and basically any where I could find them since I can remember. It turned into a fun thing and something that, as sick as this sounds, was exciting. I have delighted in criticizing my body all the way down to the minute details. I mean forget about what my body doesn’t look like or the fact my husbands dark skin highlights my obvious lack of pigment. Then God began to show me that I have been cohabiting with this spirit for a while, as long as I can remember. In fact I remember grooming my family members when they couldn’t reach the middle of their backs, or they just couldn’t get enough leverage to get this one zit. I know all of this sounds very gross and also very weird. But at its core lies a spirit so abusive to a growing child of God. Every word spoken every vision had has been touched by this drought-causing spirit.

Criticism has sucked most my life dry of the life and true pleasure that God has given me. It has taken from me and given nothing in return. It has smothered the hearts of believers with a striving lifestyle that not matter what they can never get to the “next level”. The act of criticizing as a whole puts something down. Its synonyms are reprehend, censure, reprobate, CONDEMN or DENOUNCE!!!!!! Do you get it when you criticize something you condemn it!!!!!! You judge its merit or lack of merit based on what? I criticize my skin based on it blemishes, most of my girl- friends and especially my husband have heard me talk about my skin in not such a wonderful way. I have often asked God to give me different or new skin so I didn’t have this many blemishes. Well guess what….no more!!!!!!

I LOVE MY SKIN!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY BODY!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME AND I CHOOSE TO LOVE IT EVERY DAY AND PRAISE HIM FOR THE BEAUTY OF HIS CREATION. I choose to not dwell on slight bumps or discrepancies of my body. I am my own mold….God only made one of me, it is unfair to criticize the potter or his creation.

Now as I project this magnification onto the way I view other things and people around me I realize the foot hold I have given the enemy! He has made me feel insecure and attacked what MY GOD HAS CREATED!!! THE ENEMY HAS CRITICIZED MY GOD AND TOLD HIM HIS WORK WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!! LIES!!!!!!! IT WAS AND IS GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!  The deceiver has whispered to my spririt that I am ugly, not good enough, that I have no choices, that I am trapped, and disliked. Out of fear and insecurity and not desiring those things to become a reality…I begin to respond in a way that protects those things that are so delicate within me……………………….So I push people away.

Father I run to you and burry my head in your chest, sobbing because I have been hurt. The most beautiful parts of my being have been ridiculed, condemed and picked apart. In between one of my gasps for air I notice that you are crying too, you are hurting just as I am. You are hurting because you never wanted me to believe those lies. You never wanted me to think of myself in those ways.  I am sorry father for believing those things, I am sorry for pushing away. I was mad at your because I thought you made me wrong but really I was made perfectly in your image. I couldn’t see it, and I didn’t know. But now I do. So now my tears drying, and my breathing slowing I look up at your face and see myself. You are smiling at me, delighting in me and I now know who I am. I am yours.